Wednesday, November 24, 2010

One of my finer moments- #12928

I'm not sure why I feel the need to post this little jewel. Maybe it's because yesterday my friend mentioned that one year at Thanksgiving her great uncle told her that her green beans tasted like they were cooked in the dishwasher. Bwhahaha!! Ah relatives. And being that tomorrow we are heading to PA to spend Thanksgiving with Steven's family, my brain fired off a memory of one of my finer moments. I have lots of those ;0)

The summer after we were married Steven and I headed down to the beach for our yearly vacation with his family. This was pre Little Bit. We were at that stage where kids were like little gnats that buzz around your head and no matter how hard you smack them away they keep coming back. So there we were with his parents, his sister and maybe her husband and our nephews who were around 3 at the time.

One evening I needed to mail a letter so off I headed to the front desk to track down a stamp. While I chatted it up with the woman at the front desk a scrawny little guy who worked for the condo comes running full speed down the hall towards the front desk waving his walkie talkie and screaming that the hotel was on FIRE! FIRE PEOPLE! The front desk woman got the guy to calm down and he explained that some idiots up on the 5th floor had been lighting fireworks off of their balcony and instead of shooting out into the ocean one firework shot inside the condo and had caught the curtains on FIRE. So there I stand. I watch the woman behind the front desk dial 911. I hear her tell the little peon that the hotel needs evacuated. I see the little peon start running down hall knocking on doors and telling people they need to evacuate. For some reason, however, no one pulls a fire alarm.

Looking back, I think I had an out of body experience. I am scared to death of burning alive but amazingly I some how I kept my shiat together. I calmly walked back to our room. Everyone was out on the balcony watching, you guessed it, fireworks. So I opened the balcony door, and calmly explained that we needed to leave the hotel because it was on FIRE. You would have thought I had asked them to pack their bags because an alien ship was about to arrive any minute to take us to the planet Zorg. What you've never heard of Zorg? Well mount up kids, cause we're going on a trip! The outward body me, the one floating above me watching this scene go down was in shock. How are you gonna look at someone like they have three heads when they are telling you dead pan serious that you are going to be burned alive unless you get your arse up and move it on out? I can remember looking over the balcony and thinking, ok, if they don't get moving, the kids could possibly be tossed into the pool from three stories up. Then a knock came!! The pounding of the door from the little peon who I had seen earlier. Hallelujah, and Ha, they would believe me now! I exited the balcony, opened the door and you'll never believe what he said! Yeah, he said, "we need to evacuate the hotel."

I smiled and I wanted to tell him "thanks for having my back man" except that no one could hear his words! So I did a walk/run back to the balcony. Someone asked who was at the door. Then I got agitated. "THAT was the hotel workers, and guess what, they are telling people to leave." We have to leave."

Again, I get the deer in the headlights look. That's when outward me, the one floating in the air for a birds eye view, zipped back into my body. She had reached her limit. Her tolerance for people and the filter from the brain to her mouth completely shut down. I looked at my father-in law of six months and told him in the most serious calm voice that I had to, and I quote, "Get the FUCK out of the hotel." Side note- I'm guessing that no one in the history of steven's family has anyone cussed anyone out to their face.- And with that people, I turned and walked away. I closed the balcony door, hoping that just maybe the flames would take longer to get through glass, I heard steven say, "what did she say?" I walked through the living room, walked into our bedroom and did a survey of our room. I needed to decide what I wanted to survive and picked up my new coach purse because I didn't want the flames to take it. I opened the door, and left.

I.Was.Mad. As I walked down the hall and outside, I couldn't help but think that this exact scenario probably went down on the titanic. Some poor schmuck watched her ram right into the iceberg and KNEW that she was gonna end up on the bottom of the Atlantic but no one believed him. That poor schmuck probably wasn't allowed on a lifeboat anyway so he was going to die regardless but he maybe could have saved a few rich women and children had they just listened! I'm sure he was frustrated and PISSED. Well I wasn't gonna go down with the ship! I went from mad to raging mad. I started to realize at this point that the FIRE was blown out of proportion. I also realized at this point that I do in fact lack superpowers because as I stood outside looking up at the hotel I tried willing the flames to start shooting out of the top just so I could scream I TOLD YOU SO from the safety of the beach.

But alas there were no flames and the hotel didn't burn to the ground. Eventually I made my way back up to the hotel room. The anger had subsided. And all I said to my new husband, who was busying laughing at the "f" bomb that I had dropped, was that the NEXT time there was a potential life threatening disaster and I catch wind of it, I will warn you once and once only and I'll be sure to buy life insurance on you!

Unfortunately, I think I will ALWAYS have a potty mouth. No matter how hard I try I can't control it. I've had a potty mouth since I was four. I think it's to the point that 30 some years later, it's just who I am and part of me. I don't expect my uncle from Syria not to speak with an accent! So don't expect me to keep it clean! I make my mom cringe. I'll be 90 years old in a nursing home telling the staff off. But I'll try REALLY hard at Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow to not ask my father in law "to please pass the god damn turkey!" Unless he doesn't hear me or choose to ignore me!

And a random picture to go with this random post. This was taken at our soccer party. Horrible picture but you get the gist.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Horsin' Around

Little Bit and I had a little girl's trip this weekend. I got my thrills walking through IKEA. I can't WAIT to go back! I was a little overwhelmed. Soph wanted to be checked into the play area while my aunt and I shopped. AWESOME! Every shopping place in America should have a "check your kid in while you shop" option!

Next up, my aunt's house. Where from the minute we walked into the door Sophia wanted to ride a horse. Can we ride Angel? How about now? Now? When? Soon? If given the opportunity I think she could be a totally obsessed horse girl. The same as my cousins. They wore horse sweat shirts. Had horse necklaces. Horse toys. Horse notebooks. Anything you could slap a horse on, you name it, they had it!

I've mentioned before that I am deathly allergic to horses. I'm talking throat closes up, can't breath, allergic! But the way she lights up around them is the cutest thing. My aunt bought her her first pair of real cowgirl boots on Friday. They haven't left her feet since. The girl can shovel horse poop like it's her job. She says that you "have" to take care of them and they obviously can't stand around in poop mom, duh! So true. I say, grow up, marry rich, and pay someone to shovel shiat! So who knows what the future holds. I don't see us EVER owning a horse. Like I said, see the first sentence of this paragraph! Riding lessons aren't cheap either that's for sure. Maybe she can go to "horse camp" at my aunts every summer for her horse fix! She could be a 4th generation Tennessee Walker girl!

Kisses from Junior. Never would you see me getting this close to a 1500 pound animal. And not just because of the allergies, hello, he could kick her too the moon if he wanted! The kid has zero fear.

Got a little freaked out up there by herself. Junior is BIG!

Angel is definitely more her speed. Small and sweet.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

10 on Tuesday

1. Discussion on the way home from school:
Me: What should we get Gi for Christmas?

Little Bit: Poop, ha!

Me: Soph that is not nice. You shouldn't say that.

Little Bit: I know what i can do, i can poop in my hand, put it in a box, wrap it up and put a bow on it! Then give it to her and she'll open it and say, "SOPHIE!"

So does poop and 4 year olds go together like peanut butter and jelly?

2. Little Bit and I are taking a little road trip. Tomorrow we are heading to Grammy and PapPaps for the night. Then on to Pittsburgh to meet cousins and my aunt where we are going to hit Ikea. Confession: I have never been inside an Ikea!
After that little jaunt we are heading on up to my aunt's house where Sophie will bee begging to ride horses and I'll be downing benadryl like it's my job!

3. The date is set for the 2nd annual Ugly Christmas Sweater Party. A karaoke machine has been located and rented. I.Am.Pumped!

4. My big girl gymnastics class has been cancelled. I'm heart broken. Never have I had more fun doing a type of exercise. And as an added bonus to my class I got to hang out with gay men. I didn't realize how much I missed hanging out with gay guys until I started that class. And now it's gone, and now I'm in a depression.

5. We decided not to do gifts or a gift exchange with all of the cousins this year. Instead we are going to do something fun with the 7 of them. Like bowling, or swimming, or bouncing. Such a good idea! Good idea aunt Lawa!

6. Bed time has become a horrendous venture at our house. The problem, napping at school. Although, I have discussed this problem with her teacher all I hear is that her school is a "napping" facility and that they can't make an arrangements for kids who don't need and/or want to nap. Of course the kids don't "have" to nap but they do have to lay quietly on their map. Well of course they are going to fall asleep due to sheer boredom! Makes for long evening here and a grumpy kid in the morning!

7. Saturday is a big day for Miss. Sophia. She's going to have her first sleep-over at a friend's house. And you'll never guess with you. HA! Big surprise, Gracie! And Stephanie is crazy enough to let this go down. Bets on whether or not we get a call at 10:30 pm to pick her up!?

8. I plan on getting a jump start on decorating for Christmas during this time. Sweet!

9. So I'm thinking about rounding up a bunch of neighborhood kids and forcing them to go door to door Christmas caroling. Sounds fab doesn't it? We'll see if I can bribe them into doing it with promises of cookies and hot chocolate. I'm thinking that I might be able to talk these 3 into it!

10. I'm out!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Right now...

Her favorite show is I Dream of Jeannie.

She wants a violin for Christmas.

We told her she can't have a violin because she doesn't know how to play a violin. She insists that she does in fact know how to play a violin.

She is happy that soccer is over. She says that getting a trophy was the best part.

She likes to tell people to "break a leg." She doesn't understand what context to use such a phrase.

She loves to play school.

All of the sudden she loves to color.

The number of hard boiled eggs she can down is disgusting.

She has handled Stella's passing better than I ever dreamed.

All of the sudden she has hit an "I want stage!" If she keeps it up, I'm thinking she can be Veruca Salt for Halloween! I would actually make a good one of these!

She still loves Gracie more than any other four year old on the planet. Next year, when I drop her off on her first day of kindergarten it's going to break my heart that they aren't there together.

Right now she's closer to 5 than 4. I don't want a five year old! 5 is big. But 5 she will be and we've already got big plans for 5.