40 Months

Oh Little Bit. There's no doubt about it, this has been the hardest month for your family since you were born. Losing Oscar the Boxer during your 40th month has been heart wrenching. It's showing us just how the brain of a 3 year, 5 month old little girl works. Talking to you about death and loss has been the hardest, most difficult thing we have faced as parents. I would rather talk to you about where babies come from or how your boy cousin "pees outta dat thing" (your words) a billion times over.

Car rides are usually when you ask your questions. We can be singing and laughing or arguing and then in a flash I see the look in your eye in the rear view mirror change and I know it's coming. I see your lower lip go into a pout. "Why does Oscar have to be gone?" "Mama, I want my puppy to come home?" And even deeper questions. "Does every one's puppy end up in Heaven?"

It's so difficult to answer all of your questions because there is no easy black or white answer. There are times that I wish I could put you in a bubble and insulate you from all the sad and horrible things that happen in this world. Then there are other times that I'd like to tell you that life is shitty, crap happens, and this a notch in the belt of a long list shit that's going to rain down upon you through out your life.

On the other hand, I'm somewhat jealous of how your mind works. That you don't completely understand the "what" and "why" behind things allows you to jump from sadness one minute to pure joy the next. During those times when you are sad and asking questions I know that in a matter of seconds your brain waves will leap over to something else. Lately, whenever we go to some one's house, the first thing you say when someone bends down to talk to you is, "I don't have a puppy dog anymore." Just the way you say it brings pretty much everyone to tears. But a few moments later you're off running around and having a blast.

Through this I've noticed that you feel things on a whole other level. During one car ride where you were being especially sad, I told you that maybe one day you could have a new doggy. But you cried even harder and said that you didn't want a new dog you wanted your dog. I realize now just how grown up and wise you are getting. This can't be fixed by handing you a new Popsicle when you drop one in the dirt.

Little Bit, we love you more than anything in this world. And when your heart breaks ours does as well. I know that the past few weeks have been rough around here. None of us have been in the best of spirits. But we are moving on. Soon "month 40" will be behind us and be a distant memory. I wish that the first full month of summer hadn't be over shadowed by such loss. But my dear, it is what it is. Here's to an upcoming month of good times and memories and hopefully none of the bad.