A Letter to Miss Stella

Dear Stella,

This is difficult for me. I've never known anyone who was dying. I've never had to make my peace with someone. I have never told anyone goodbye knowing that it just may very well be the last goodbye. I guess I'm lucky in that department. I have lost four great grandparents who were all over the age of 90. I've lost one grandparent. Without warning. I wasn't given the chance to mull over the possibility of him one day not being here. It just happened. There I stood in the middle of Walmart with my cell phone pressed against my ear while the voice on the end of the line told me that my papaw Lonzo was gone. I remember feeling as though time was standing still.

I've lost a pet tragically. We were right there. That incident sent shock waves through my body. It was though I could feel every single atom and molecule in my body tighten and tremble and shatter into a million pieces. I've had my heart broken on more than one occasion. Looking back, those are times you can laugh about. But at the time, I felt as though my heart was being ripped right out of my chest. It's true that time seems to heal all wounds and with time the pain starts to lesson. You never forget but the initial earth shattering feelings become a distant memory filed away in the deep recesses of your brain.

I didn't know that a year ago we would open our hearts to a new love. A new love who was destined to leave this earth sooner rather than later. A new love who had a problem that couldn't be fixed. So if there is one thing that I want you to know, if you were a person with the capability of logical thought and reason, it is that you were never just a "replacement." You see we had this gaping whole in our hearts. We were lonely and sad. We found you. Or maybe you found your way to us. When we saw you for the first time, right then and there, the hole in our hearts healed a tiny bit. As as days went on the pain lessened. That hole would always be there but having you in our lives closed that hole a little and made it smaller. Sort of like a band-aid. Band-aids always come off but you may be left with a beautiful scar so that you don't forget that time in your life. It's when that Band-aid gets ripped off abruptly before everything has had time to heal that the hole becomes bigger. And now you're looking at a much longer recovery.

But you know what is worse? What's worse is having that Band-aid sloooowly ripped off. Miss Stella for the last ten months we've felt the slow tortuous removal of you from our hearts. You're our Band-aid. We fell head over heels for you the minute you came into our lives. And for 10 months all we've done is loved you more and cared for you and hoped that we could keep you a little longer. I knew this day would come. I knew that one day, my phone would ring and we would be told that if you love something it's sometimes best to let it go. For the last ten months "borrowed" time has ran on repeat through my head. From the beginning of this journey, we said that we wouldn't be selfish. That when the time came we would do the right thing. Yesterday was the day that that phone did ring and we found out that we are inching closer to having to make the choice. One final tug on that Band-aid and you would be free and we'd be left standing here. I have no doubts that you will leaving knowing your were loved. I don't doubt that for one second. It makes doing what's best for you easier. If you can call it easy.

You have taught me so much in such a short amount of time. I now know how horrible you can let the word "terminal" ruin your day to day life. I've tried so hard to be the person to enjoy the time we have left. I learned that with this go round, I'm not that person. I can put on a brave front and go through the motions but it's always in the back of my mind. The inevitable. Maybe this whole ordeal has prepared me for something greater. I've actually sat here and said that if given the choice, I'd rather a loved one be taken from me in an instant. Maybe that's wrong. Maybe all of this is a lesson that I will never forget. That it truly is better to have something to love for longer knowing that the end is coming rather than not appreciating what you have and have it gone from your heart in an instant.

I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever know the whys. I do know that I'm trying to settle my heart now. I know you aren't leaving today, or tomorrow. But soon. And I feel as though I'm gonna be needed for a little girl who doesn't quite understand any of this. Who I can't quite figure out how to explain why leaving is sometimes better than staying. I'm cynical and a realist. I'm never the person who goes around saying that "everything happens for a reason." I'm more likely to say that "shit happens" and when it starts happening you might want to get out of the way. But you see me and you have our girl to worry about too. So this time, I really can't be that person. Our girl who will always remember who gave her that broken arm. It's her and really you that makes me hold on to the belief that there is something better waiting. And there's a little place in that cynical brain of mine that has to believe that there is a Rainbow Bridge.

Ten on Tuesday Eve

For the life of me I can't understand why I'm slacking so much in the blogging department. I use to puffy heart love blogging. Now it's almost a chore and I can always think of a million other things to do. Anyway, here's a ten list since those are easy to throw together.

1. Back on 9/11 we had our first ever neighborhood block party. Call me corny but I have always wanted to live in a neighborhood that does fun stuff. Since our neighborhood is brand new it seems a little easier meeting people and getting to know neighbors (plus i'm nosy so i'm not letting anyone move on in with out heading on over and introducing myself). So I made it my mission to organize a block party. I had a lot of help getting everything together. And out of 24 families, all but 2 made it. The best part, renting an inflatable for the kids. Those little boogers were occupied the entire time. The rental company throwing in a sno-cone maker for free, even better.

2. And speaking of neighbors, oh how I love hanging out drinking fruity cocktails with some of the women in my hood. We laugh. Laugh hard. And I can guarantee you that our husband's ears were burning some. Surely we wouldn't talk about our beloveds? And do you want to know one of the best parts about hanging out with your neighbors? That would be the simple walk home after a night out. There's a deputy who lives in the neighborhood now. I really don't want to be pulled over for a DUI on my pink bike though.

3. Soccer is in full swing. Steven is coaching. Our friend (and neighbor, ha) Mike, is the assistant. This picture makes me laugh. Such a shrimp!

Little Bit, hates it. One practice she spent 1o minutes chasing a butterfly across 3 fields. Last week, she spent 1/4 of the practice with a soccer ball under her shirt pretending like she was pregnant. Our first game, she scored for the other team. During Saturday's game she ran around the field like this:

Steven came off the field yelling because she looked like Bevis doing Cornholio! I'm actually getting into it. I love standing on the sidelines screaming. And our team (aside from Little Bit) is pretty kick ass. Hubby got ticked off last week when another coach came over and said, "we have an all boys team, so if it gets a little out of hand we can change it up since we've been dominating." My nice hubby just smiled and said, "I think we can handle it." Here's exactly what I would have like to have said, after the game, "screw you dude our girls (aside from Little Bit) kicked the SHIT out of your boys. And our boys rock too!" Seriously, who says that?

4. We started gymnastics again too. And call me crazy, nuts, psycho, insane, but I'm going to do an adult tumbling class tomorrow night with a friend. I may end up in a body cast and traction!

5. I've noticed that I hardly ever watch TV anymore. Now that Lost is over I don't even have "a show" that I must watch every week. I find myself reading a lot. I'm finishing up the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy. Fished up the final book of the Hunger Games. Now I'm going to need something else to read. I highly recommend Snow Flower and the Secret Fan. Awesome book despite the feet binding.

6. Halloween is just around the corner! A sneak peek:

7. This past weekend we visited my grandparents and took a little trip into their attic. As my 81 year old grandmother chucked stuff animals down from the attack we also found my Barbie Cottage. A scrub down and she's as good as new! Retro toys = AWESOME!

8. Speaking of toys, I have absolutely, positively NO CLUE what to get Sophie for Xmas. Last year was easy, Barbie Jeep. This year, i've got nothing on the "list" but an Easy Bake Oven. I've considered a DS but she has shown ZERO interest in any type of video game. I've considering the American Girl Bitty Baby. But that's a slippery slope. I don't want expensive American Girl stuff taking over. On the other hand, I don't want to buy an expensive baby doll that gets treated like crap. I always like the idea of Santa bringing something on the "big" side but for the life of me I can't think of a single thing.

9. Miss Gracie Beth is now a big sister. Cooper Michael was born on 9/13/10. Right after he was born, Soph would ask everyday if she could have a little brother or sister. Sorry kid, not in the cards. On Sunday we went for a visit. And she didn't even asking to hold him. Totally shocked me! I will apologize to you now Cooper for all of the crap Gracie and Sophie will put you through. I'm sure you'll make a beautiful princess all dressed up by those two.

10. I'm embarrassed to say how long it has been since I've had a hair cut. And I can't even remember the last time I took Sophie for a hair cut. Both of us are in desperate need of some style in the hair department!

First 'Eers Game!

She lasted through 3 1/2 hours of tailgating and made it to the beginning of the 4th quarter. On the way home, after spending $22 on food and $8 on a giant foam #1 finger she announced, "I'm NEVER going back to a football game, there were 100 people there and they were loud, and it's too far away!"Normally we would have stayed with Steven's parents who live only 20 minutes away so we wouldn't have had such a long drive back. But we had to get back to miss stella.

Considering I was certain that we would be hightailing it out of Motown by half time I think her first mountaineer game was a success. But I'll let her keep her word on not going back anytime soon, mommy and daddy have a little more fun without her at football games. Sorry kid, but sometimes the truth hurts.

Here is our day in pictures.

The Fam. Thanks Allison for the pic!

My friend Wendy said that this could be any young african american man in the US. Oh but it isn't my friend. This is NOT just some random dude with his hat turned sideways. This would be the Da'Sean Butler. And i spotted him first. Go me.

See the Pride for the first time!

Great seats!

This series is called "hand sophie the camera to keep her entertained."

Busting mama sneaking off to chow down!

Lets Go MOUNTAINEERS!